Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
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I missed you with all my darts
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Hero horse inspires millions
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My apartment is a mess, I should move
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild