Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.