Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon