Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
That’s amazing.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
<—- homeless romantic
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.