Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.