I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
They’re really bad with fonts.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
#Caturday
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.