Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Basically.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.