Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.