*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
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Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me in tagged photos
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.