darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
You Might Also Like
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?