Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.