Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
You Might Also Like
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much