If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager