Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away