*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip