My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.