Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
You Might Also Like
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*