In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)