I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?