[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Phonetics
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?