My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Can. I. Help. You.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
It’s a gift
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.