[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
✌️
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe