I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Always
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins