At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
You Might Also Like
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.