Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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Close call…
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”