Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
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as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Best seat on the street 😍
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.