[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Ooh I do like a good funnel
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.