All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Am I having a stroke?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious