Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me My dog
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
presenting your incognito window wrapped
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot