Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
This 4th of July, please remember…
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry