The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You Might Also Like
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.