[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
This hospital has everything
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?