2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”