If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
girls literally only want one thing..
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out