[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
You Might Also Like
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.