Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks