Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it