old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
North and South
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.