What the hell is going on?
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.