I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
when mom throws a party…
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE