Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Rt to bother an English speaker
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
These 3D printers are insane!
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies