Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
just pretend nothing happened
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
From my Mom