I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
You Might Also Like
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
PLOT TWIST:
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.