I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
You Might Also Like
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
#oldknees
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…