Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.