Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it