Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I beg your pardon?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
January has been Januweary
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!