I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
You Might Also Like
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Respect
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one