“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 馃彙
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If it鈥檚 the thought that counts, I鈥檓 a serial killer
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa鈥檚 drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don鈥檛 block me.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an 脺ber.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I didn鈥檛 even know this was an option. Considering it.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
receptionist: you鈥檙e too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he鈥檚 good
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy