My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
his wife is probably gonna see that
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.